Part of me feels a little pathetic for saying this but so far the biggest highlight of 2014 for me is when The Accountant told me he loved me. A lot of memorable things happened in 2014. I finally came during a sexual encounter, I was (an extra) in an upcoming TV pilot, and probably most importantly I graduated college.
Yet still hearing a guy say “I love you” shines above everything else. Even after all the drama, bullshit, breakups, heartbreak, emotional instability, tears, rage, etc…getting to that point with The Accountant was life altering.
Plus graduating college hasn’t been a happy experience. I miss my college security blanket. I couldn’t wait to get out of Boston, but I miss living in a city. I miss my friends, and just being able to go anywhere whenever I wanted. Now I’m stuck in the suburbs, carless, with no job. Being a college grad is flaccid! I miss college.
But, back to hearing “I love you”. I wasn’t expecting it. I didn’t think it would come. I didn’t think I’d hear the words, especially not from him. Since he’s been far from consistent and hardly affectionate. Yet just hearing him say “I love you so much”, warmed my bitter cold dead soul in ways words can barely express. The moment repeats with me so much. I wanted to second guess it, especially after how things went downhill after that night. But nothing can take that moment away from me. The Accountant told me he loved me. He said it. I heard it. It can’t be erased or taken back.
Hearing “I love you” does completely justify that even though a career and money should be the foremost thought on someone’s mind in their early 20s, love and dating is still equally important. Will a paycheck or promotion ever warm my heart as much as hearing a guy actually tell me he loves me. I doubt it. All are important. I love money. I want it. I need it. I can’t live without it. But I also can’t live without the possibility of love.
I’m such a bitter and judgmental cunt to everyone I see getting engaged and married lately. Like why the fuck do you need to be married after graduating college? Why get married in your early 20s? If I can’t afford my dream wedding, there’s no point in getting married. It’s great that you found “the one” but why do you need to be married right away to show that? Personally I can’t imagine ever wanting to be married before I’m 30. I’m dreading the phase when all my friends start getting engaged and married. Though it will be exciting to go to weddings, well unless I’ve still never had my first boyfriend, but I’ll be happy for my friends finding love.
A lot of my best friends actually are in relationships at the moment. I’ve already had a college friend get engaged a couple weeks ago. That phase I’m dreading has already begun. It’s inescapable. I want all my friends to find true love, get married, start families, be happy. I never want to be so jaded and bitter that I can’t appreciate my friend’s journey of love.
Though of course when friends start finding love and starting their own families they’ll grow distant, go to distant parts of the world to start their new lives, and I’ll do the same. I don’t want to lose (most) of them, and hope we stay in touch. It’s just so scary knowing that it’s probable most friendships won’t stay in tact.
I’m still not fully over The Accountant. I know we’re over. Most likely will never see each other again. He’s moved on. To what, I don’t know, but I know I shouldn’t and can’t care. That chapter is closed. I still think about him every day, but my failure to move on also has to deal with not finding anyone new.
I’m barely talking to guys anymore. There’s no one cute or decent around me at all. Most guys are bitter and jaded and “don’t take these sites seriously”. WTF?!?! You live in the middle of nowhere! You have no other options to meet men if you can’t even have a decent conversation online to hopefully turn into a date. I’m just not interested in any more hookups. I want love! A boyfriend! More! I got the sluttiness out of my system, for the most part, the first third of this year. I want to know what it feels like to have a boyfriend!
I’ve been reconnecting with my Canadian Lover. He’s this big, beefy, brawny, butch, bearded, ginger in Canada I started talking to on Scruff over 3 years ago. He understands me in ways most guys don’t. Which may seem pathetic I have a significant relationship with a guy I never physically met. But we’ve fought, broken up, blocked each other, reconnected, had cybersex many times, had deep conversations, I tell him things I’d never tell other guys, and I do think there’s a possibility that we’re meant to be together.
Except we always fight. He’s like 28 and still living at home. Though he did start going to college not that long ago. He has like a year left. He hates that I wear makeup and girl clothes, which is a huge deal breaker for me. No guy tells me what I can and can’t wear. Fuck compromising for your partner. Whatever! Whatever! I do what I want! Sometimes I don’t know if he’s such a bastard genuinely or because he knows what pisses me off. Ugh. I don’t even know. I want a new guy to fixate on and to be in love with.
I do really want to finally meet him. Like it’s amazing we’ve lasted (off and on) this long in touch. Granted the reasons any of my past “relationships” lasted years was because we barely saw each other. I’m not delusional and thinking I’m going to date someone long distance, or make my first official boyfriend some guy in Canada I’ve never met up with in real life, but I do just want to meet. See how we click. Plus I’ve always wanted to check out Toronto.
I want to meet him! Though I’m still super broke and the impending loans due, does put a threat to my travel plans. Plus Canada is unbearably cold most of the year. So it would probably be better for me to go before loan collectors come after me, in my birthday month, flaccid. I want to meet my Canadian Lover, be in love, and realize he’s been the one I’ve been meant to be with all along!
Though I know it won’t work since he says I wouldn’t be allowed to go clubbing if we dated. Granted I don’t even really see a point of clubbing if I have a man, since I kinda only go to be a slut and see how many men I can get to spend money on me, which I wouldn’t do if I had a boyfriend. I also kinda only wear makeup and girl clothes when clubbing, or going to gay events, so if I gave up clubbing the issues for why I think I could never date him wouldn’t matter much.
But it’s the principle! I need a man that appreciates and loves my femininity. Not one that wants to forbid me from wearing or going to places I love! Whatever before deciding why we can’t be together, and breaking up over makeup and clubbing, we need to physically meet first.
I do hope it happens this year. I mean it could easily happen if I get my shit together and just book a hotel and a way there. Hopefully my friends will come. I’d need more than one though, so I can ditch them when my man comes, and they’ll be able to spend time together so I’m not leaving them alone for some dick.
Besides being an asshole over the makeup and clubbing shit, I do think my Canadian Lover is really sweet. He sings to me. He’s got a great voice. He’s also great with accents. I think he’s had voice training or something. He’s really cute. I’m super attracted to him. I do believe him when he says he’s a loyal boyfriend. Though no one thinks I’m capable of monogamy, but I just need to prove them wrong!
I know I’m not fully over The Accountant, but my Canadian Lover has been in my life longer than The Accountant, and I want to be in love again. Guy With Girlfriend was my first meaningful “relationship”. The Accountant was the second meaningful relationship, and definitely the most significant. He completely made me forget about Guy With Girlfriend. Well I also had a year in between last seeing one and meeting the other. I’m reading for my third meaningful relationship. I do want to see what could happen with my Canadian Lover.
But I’m also open to any other possibilities. But at this rate there are no mean at all in Pennsylvania. I need to go abroad this time, and find some foreign dick to be my boyfriend. It’s worked for a couple of my girl friends. American boys can’t handle me, so hopefully a Canadian man can finally be the one that can.