I think things may be over with Mississippi. Ugh I shouldn’t have professed my infatuation with him so boldly. Though all I did was talk about how much I liked him on my blog and to my friends. I never posted any of the pics we took together, since I thought they’d be best saved if things progressed.
But we’ve had 2 dates together. I already haven’t seen him in a week. I was bitter towards him for not seeing me this weekend, though he wasn’t feeling well. I was skeptical at first, but I think I believe him now. Just things have fallen apart before they ever truly had a chance to be great.
It does bother me that he’s a 3 minute walk from my building, yet still has no time to just come over and see me. I understand that he’s a busy law student, and they apparently have non stop work. Though as a Communications major it is kinda impossible for me to imagine being legitimately busy with schoolwork. But I just wanted to spend more time together.
I finally brought up the issue. He’s too busy with school, and I only have less than 2 months left in Boston. Our potential relationship is limited. I know I shouldn’t want, try, or search for potential boyfriends when I’m only in the city for such a short time. But I can’t abandon my quest for a boyfriend. I’ve longed for one ever since I knew I was gay. Well more legitimately after I came out of the closet. Which will be a decade ago next year. Almost a decade of my life wishing and hoping for a boyfriend, and yet I still have nothing.
In a way I can be making much ado about nothing. I do like him. I’m attracted. But we’ve barely spent that much time together, and I do think I want him to be my boyfriend/want a boyfriend more in general, more than I actually want him. We’ve still spent not that much time together. I have more of an idea of him, or what I want of him, than I actually know him.
But I brought up our dilemma. He agreed, but he gave me the dreaded “I think we should be friends”. What the fuck? I don’t want to be friends with someone I went on dates with. I’m attracted to him. I want to hookup with him. I only abstained from hooking up with him because I feared it would ruin our relationship potential.
He’s all let’s stop now before we get hurt. But I see it as we still have 2 months we could be spending together. I’d rather be spending them with a guy I like and have a boyfriend for 2 months, than spending these final 2 months going on aimless dates and having meaningless hookups.
Speaking of which, I had an aimless date this afternoon. I did just use him for the free food. He’s 42, only 5’5, and weighs like 130 pounds. Not my type at all. He mentioned having like 5 jobs, yet hinted at being broke. He almost tried to make me pay, but I quickly shouted “I thought this was a date”, then he pulled out his credit card and paid. That was a close one. He’s an artist and suggested painting me before we met up, but I doubt that will happen. I have no desire to see him again, or no use for him in general. Though a portrait of myself would be nicely appreciated.
Back to Mississippi. We had a back and forth. He doesn’t want to get hurt. He said it took a year for him to get over his ex that he walked in on cheating on him in his bed. I was all I don’t care, I just want to be together. I have no interest in friendship. He says he doesn’t hookup with friends, and all I want to do is hookup with him.
Plus I don’t want to be friends with guys that are exactly my type, and I wanted to date. I don’t want to be nothing to each other, but if he doesn’t want to pursue a relationship or even be fuck buddies, he’s useless. I can’t be friends with him, and I don’t want to be. Are we seriously supposed to just hangout and watch TV and not hookup? Are we supposed to talk about our dating and sex lives with each other, like I do with all my friends, when all I wanted was to date and have sex with him? I don’t think so.
I’m so dramatic in my conversations, but this issue needed to be addressed. But we still haven’t fully resolved anything. He suggested we meet and talk about things when he’s free, which isn’t until the weekend. What the hell?!? No good comes from giving guys time to think about things. Plus I could have hooked up with tons of new guys or had more dates by next weekend. I doubt I will, but there’s no way to tell.
Regardless. I still really like him. Or maybe I’m projecting my Accountant obsession on to him. I’ve finally gone as far as deleting The Accountant’s number, and I never delete anyone’s number. It’s the only way I can make sure I don’t contact him at all. It’s working so far, though it’s only been 1 day. What will I do with no Accountant and no Mississippi? Well I haven’t seen the Accountant in over 2 months, and haven’t seen Mississippi in over a week, so I guess I’ll survive.
Just I’d rather spend these last 2 months with him, than countless random guys. Though he doesn’t have time to spend with me regardless. So we’re kinda hopeless.