I can’t do it anymore. I have no patience or tolerance left in me to accept any less. I know I want. I know what I don’t want.
Old dudes, I’m not interested. I was in the past for dinners, hookups, mainly expensive meals, hope I’d finally find a $ugar daddy to spoil me with lavish gifts and trips. Most I ever got was free meals and fancy restaurants, but I want a boyfriend and have no interest in dating an old guy.
And by “old” I mean 30+. I know 30 isn’t old, but I still have no interest in guys in their 30s. It never worked out for me in the past. I know it’s closed minded, and not all guys 30 and above are bad. But right now, at this point in my life, I know that I want a boyfriend, and I don’t want to date someone who is much older than me and in a completely different point in their life.
Though this point in my life all that I have is a degree which I’m not doing anything with. It would be nice to find a guy that’s further along in his path, but I do want someone working towards something. Working towards building their empire. Though I may not be doing too much to launch my television conglomerate yet, well I do have my blog, which I’m extremely proud of.
I want someone in their 20s, close to my age, who I can relate to. Someone I”m not embarrassed to have around my friends and family. I always imagined dating someone age appropriate, and I’ve always preferred guys around my age. I’ll be more open minded again, just not right now.
Closet cases, confused guys, bi dudes that want to fuck guys but only legitimately date girls, I’m over it. I know they’re my weakness and I never can resist a “straight” guy with a girlfriend, but I won’t be a secret side piece anymore. I want a boyfriend. I’ve spent the past 7 years since I first became sexually active mainly messing and investing my feelings into guys that have had absolutely no interest in publicly acknowledging or claiming me as a part of their life.
It may seem over dramatic to say “I wasted my best years on guys that didn’t give a fuck about me” which may seem accurate, though I don’t think my best years are over, and I certainly didn’t waste anything. I have no regrets. I had fantastic times with many attractive bisexual men. They were my favorite lovers. They were the lovers that lasted the longest periods of time in my life. They were the only ones I ever loved. Wow. I never loved a gay man. Well besides my best friends, but not in the passionate sensual love way. I’ve only ever loved bi guys.
Well I only ever loved The Accountant, but I don’t believe in erasing the past or demoting the feelings of the past, and Guy With Girlfriend will always hold an intense important piece of my development and past. No we never exchanged “I love you”s, but he’s far above most of the almost 40 men I’ve hooked up with, and 2nd only to The Accountant in importance. So I do think I love(d) Guy With Girlfriend too. I don’t beleive in a “love of my life” since I know I haven’t found it yet, but I do believe someone can have many romantic loves during their lifetime. Just because a powerful relationship has ended doesn’t mean another won’t come along again. If your parter leaves you or dies, another love will hopefully come along. Love happens in phases. Each new love ushers in a new phase in life.
But I’m ready for my Accountant phase to end. I already haven’t seen him in almost 5 months. He randomly messaged me on Snapchat asking me how I made my asshole so clean whenever we hooked up. I assume he was asking because he was possibly bottoming for someone soon, though he never even let me finger him, but he did tell me he’s bottomed before. Though he does hookup with girls and do anal with them too, and maybe he did come across someone with a dirty ass and was wondering for tips for me to give them. It doesn’t matter why he’s asking because who he is fucking is none of my business. I can’t get jealous or crazy over a man from my past. It’s over. I need to focus on my own love/sex life. Though it’s non existent.
Though I do want it to exist again. But I won’t settle for less. I can’t stand guys claiming they want a relationship only to randomly interject how horny they are. I was talking to a guy who claimed he wanted a relationship only to keep repeating how horny he’s been lately, only for me to repeat how inappropriate and unappealing it is for him to say something so savory during a seemingly normal conversation. I don’t give a fuck how fucking horny you are! If you only want someone to relieve your horniess keep on looking!
I want dates! Romance! Facebook official! Public photos! I’m tired of living in the shadows of being a side piece. I want to be a main piece. No more always a mistress and never a bride! I want a man of my own!
I’m living in the middle of nowhere and men are few and far between, especially normal, attractive, out of the closet, single, interested in a relationship ones. But I’ve already gone 5 months without getting fucked and almost 3 months without sucking a dick, so I can handle celibacy. I have my toys at least. I hope I don’t go an entire year without so much as a kiss, though it’s happened before (12th grade).
But I do know that settling for being a hookup and side chick won’t give me what I want. I always end up in the same cycle of hooking up and always being at the mercy of the other guy. I’m available whenever they’re rarely in the mood, but whenever I’m often in the mood they’re busy or just disinterested. I want someone to want me as much as I want them!
I normally never believe in rejecting dates, invitations, lovers as long as there’s an initial attraction, but I’ve been extremely openminded and outgoing over the years. Once I’m in a new city and different point in life, I’ll definitely go back to going out with as many guys as possible and embrace my natural slutty self. Just right now I’m ready to be closed off, selective, and ridiculously picky. I deserve a boyfriend!
I do believe that I won’t get a boyfriend until I stop wasting time with guys that I know I don’t want to date in the longterm, and that I know don’t want to date me.