The Virgin PornStar

Ask me anything   Will my relationship status ever change from "Single"?

    "You can call me a lot of things, but don’t call me an amateur."
    Mona (Pretty Little Liars)
    — 22 hours ago with 1 note
    #Mona  #Pretty Little Liars  #PLL  #amateur  #mona vanderwaal 
    "I don’t want to be basic. I want to be excellent."

    Janet Mock, Camp Pride 2014 (via campuspride)

    My life mantra.

    (via janetmock)

    (via janetmock)

    — 1 day ago with 244 notes
    "I just want someone who wants to hang out all the time, and thinks I’m the best person in the world, and wants to have sex with only me."
    Hannah (Girls)
    — 3 days ago with 3 notes
    #hannah horvath  #girls  #dating  #relationships  #sex  #monogamy  #girls HBO  #boyfriend 
    "I know something about loving people who aren’t smart enough to want to be loved back. I learned a secret that I can tell you. They don’t deserve it."
    "Crazy Eyes" (Orange Is The New Black)
    — 4 days ago with 35 notes
    #suzanne crazy eyes warren  #crazy eyes  #oitnb  #orange is the new black  #oitnb season 2  #love  #unrequited love  #stupid  #secret 
    "When you’re young, your whole life is about the pursuit of fun. Then, you grow up and learn to be cautious. You could break a bone or a heart. You look before you leap and sometimes you don’t leap at all because there’s not always someone there to catch you. And in life, there’s no safety net. When did it stop being fun and start being scary?"
    Sex And The City
    — 4 days ago
    #sex and the city  #SATC  #young  #life  #fun  #grow up  #cautious  #broken bone  #broken heart  #leap of faith  #love  #safety net  #the real world  #the struggle  #scary 
    I Wish You Were My Third Love

    Part of me feels a little pathetic for saying this but so far the biggest highlight of 2014 for me is when The Accountant told me he loved me. A lot of memorable things happened in 2014. I finally came during a sexual encounter, I was (an extra) in an upcoming TV pilot, and probably most importantly I graduated college. 

    Yet still hearing a guy say “I love you” shines above everything else. Even after all the drama, bullshit, breakups, heartbreak, emotional instability, tears, rage, etc…getting to that point with The Accountant was life altering. 

    Plus graduating college hasn’t been a happy experience. I miss my college security blanket. I couldn’t wait to get out of Boston, but I miss living in a city. I miss my friends, and just being able to go anywhere whenever I wanted. Now I’m stuck in the suburbs, carless, with no job. Being a college grad is flaccid! I miss college. 

    But, back to hearing “I love you”. I wasn’t expecting it. I didn’t think it would come. I didn’t think I’d hear the words, especially not from him. Since he’s been far from consistent and hardly affectionate. Yet just hearing him say “I love you so much”, warmed my bitter cold dead soul in ways words can barely express. The moment repeats with me so much. I wanted to second guess it, especially after how things went downhill after that night. But nothing can take that moment away from me. The Accountant told me he loved me. He said it. I heard it. It can’t be erased or taken back. 

    Hearing “I love you” does completely justify that even though a career and money should be the foremost thought on someone’s mind in their early 20s, love and dating is still equally important. Will a paycheck or promotion ever warm my heart as much as hearing a guy actually tell me he loves me. I doubt it. All are important. I love money. I want it. I need it. I can’t live without it. But I also can’t live without the possibility of love. 

    I’m such a bitter and judgmental cunt to everyone I see getting engaged and married lately. Like why the fuck do you need to be married after graduating college? Why get married in your early 20s? If I can’t afford my dream wedding, there’s no point in getting married. It’s great that you found “the one” but why do you need to be married right away to show that? Personally I can’t imagine ever wanting to be married before I’m 30. I’m dreading the phase when all my friends start getting engaged and married. Though it will be exciting to go to weddings, well unless I’ve still never had my first boyfriend, but I’ll be happy for my friends finding love. 

    A lot of my best friends actually are in relationships at the moment. I’ve already had a college friend get engaged a couple weeks ago. That phase I’m dreading has already begun. It’s inescapable. I want all my friends to find true love, get married, start families, be happy. I never want to be so jaded and bitter that I can’t appreciate my friend’s journey of love.

    Though of course when friends start finding love and starting their own families they’ll grow distant, go to distant parts of the world to start their new lives, and I’ll do the same. I don’t want to lose (most) of them, and hope we stay in touch. It’s just so scary knowing that it’s probable most friendships won’t stay in tact. 

    I’m still not fully over The Accountant. I know we’re over. Most likely will never see each other again. He’s moved on. To what, I don’t know, but I know I shouldn’t and can’t care. That chapter is closed. I still think about him every day, but my failure to move on also has to deal with not finding anyone new. 

    I’m barely talking to guys anymore. There’s no one cute or decent around me at all. Most guys are bitter and jaded and “don’t take these sites seriously”. WTF?!?! You live in the middle of nowhere! You have no other options to meet men if you can’t even have a decent conversation online to hopefully turn into a date. I’m just not interested in any more hookups. I want love! A boyfriend! More! I got the sluttiness out of my system, for the most part, the first third of this year. I want to know what it feels like to have a boyfriend! 

    I’ve been reconnecting with my Canadian Lover. He’s this big, beefy, brawny, butch, bearded, ginger in Canada I started talking to on Scruff over 3 years ago. He understands me in ways most guys don’t. Which may seem pathetic I have a significant relationship with a guy I never physically met. But we’ve fought, broken up, blocked each other, reconnected, had cybersex many times, had deep conversations, I tell him things I’d never tell other guys, and I do think there’s a possibility that we’re meant to be together. 

    Except we always fight. He’s like 28 and still living at home. Though he did start going to college not that long ago. He has like a year left. He hates that I wear makeup and girl clothes, which is a huge deal breaker for me. No guy tells me what I can and can’t wear. Fuck compromising for your partner. Whatever! Whatever! I do what I want! Sometimes I don’t know if he’s such a bastard genuinely or because he knows what pisses me off. Ugh. I don’t even know. I want a new guy to fixate on and to be in love with. 

    I do really want to finally meet him. Like it’s amazing we’ve lasted (off and on) this long in touch. Granted the reasons any of my past “relationships” lasted years was because we barely saw each other. I’m not delusional and thinking I’m going to date someone long distance, or make my first official boyfriend some guy in Canada I’ve never met up with in real life, but I do just want to meet. See how we click. Plus I’ve always wanted to check out Toronto. 

    I want to meet him! Though I’m still super broke and the impending loans due, does put a threat to my travel plans. Plus Canada is unbearably cold most of the year. So it would probably be better for me to go before loan collectors come after me, in my birthday month, flaccid. I want to meet my Canadian Lover, be in love, and realize he’s been the one I’ve been meant to be with all along! 

    Though I know it won’t work since he says I wouldn’t be allowed to go clubbing if we dated. Granted I don’t even really see a point of clubbing if I have a man, since I kinda only go to be a slut and see how many men I can get to spend money on me, which I wouldn’t do if I had a boyfriend. I also kinda only wear makeup and girl clothes when clubbing, or going to gay events, so if I gave up clubbing the issues for why I think I could never date him wouldn’t matter much. 

    But it’s the principle! I need a man that appreciates and loves my femininity. Not one that wants to forbid me from wearing or going to places I love! Whatever before deciding why we can’t be together, and breaking up over makeup and clubbing, we need to physically meet first. 

    I do hope it happens this year. I mean it could easily happen if I get my shit together and just book a hotel and a way there. Hopefully my friends will come. I’d need more than one though, so I can ditch them when my man comes, and they’ll be able to spend time together so I’m not leaving them alone for some dick. 

    Besides being an asshole over the makeup and clubbing shit, I do think my Canadian Lover is really sweet. He sings to me. He’s got a great voice. He’s also great with accents. I think he’s had voice training or something. He’s really cute. I’m super attracted to him. I do believe him when he says he’s a loyal boyfriend. Though no one thinks I’m capable of monogamy, but I just need to prove them wrong! 

    I know I’m not fully over The Accountant, but my Canadian Lover has been in my life longer than The Accountant, and I want to be in love again. Guy With Girlfriend was my first meaningful “relationship”. The Accountant was the second meaningful relationship, and definitely the most significant. He completely made me forget about Guy With Girlfriend. Well I also had a year in between last seeing one and meeting the other. I’m reading for my third meaningful relationship. I do want to see what could happen with my Canadian Lover.

    But I’m also open to any other possibilities. But at this rate there are no mean at all in Pennsylvania. I need to go abroad this time, and find some foreign dick to be my boyfriend. It’s worked for a couple of my girl friends. American boys can’t handle me, so hopefully a Canadian man can finally be the one that can. 

    — 4 days ago
    #dating  #love  #relationships  #sex  #gay dating  #gay love  #gay relationships  #gay sex  #breakups  #I love you  #The Accountant  #Candian Lover  #monogamy  #love again  #gayboyproblems  #same love  #gay couple  #candian men  #Canada 
    Jack’d Got Me A Job Interview

    At the end of last month, before I switched dating sites for the upcoming month, I put the link to my blog on all of my profiles. I figured that since I wasn’t getting any dates, I might as well promote my writing. I put the links of my Twitter and Instagram on my dating profiles, and it always leads to more followers, so I might as well promote my blog too. 

    Part of me is apprehensive about allowing guys to see the link to where I profiled all of my past dating/sex life adventures. In fear of scaring them off with all my tales of promiscuity and gold digging. But I’m an open book. Everyone has a past, especially a past sex life. I love living scandalously and have no regrets, and I’d rather have a man that accepts me for that, than one that’s easily scared off by someone with a thrilling sex/dating life.

    Plus with my life in it’s current flaccid state, I doubt I’ll be getting many or any dates anytime soon, so fuck it. I want every guy that comes across one of my profiles to check out my blog and become a fan of my writing more than another flaccid date or useless hookup. Establishing my career is most important, and a career will be infinitely more beneficial to my life at the moment than a man.

    After I posted “My Flaccid Post Grad Life” blog post, I got a message from a faceless black guy on Jack’d. He said he checked out my blog and liked it. He then asked if he could ask me the marketing job company I had an interview with that I described in my blog post.

    I told him I didn’t feel comfortable sharing that specific information with a faceless profile. Granted I knew I didn’t get the job so I didn’t really have anything to lose by sharing that information, but I have no tolerance for faceless profiles. I normally ignore messages from faceless guys completely, but since he complemented my writing and blog, I responded.

    Though he did guess the company I interviewed for, and I told him he was correct. He recommended another company to apply for, the one he worked for. I told him I wasn’t even interested in marketing, so I was glad I didn’t get the job, but he told me I should just give it a shot and apply anyway. I mean time is running out before those loans are due, and I don’t make enough cybersexing to pay them off, so I’m getting desperate and scared about where my money will come from. I asked him if he could get me into the company, at least for an interview, and he said yeah.

    A few weeks later I did apply for the company, and I quickly got a response saying they liked my resume and wanted me to come in for an interview. So this past Monday I went in.

    The office is like an hour away. It’s kinda in the middle of nowhere. Well it’s near my old almost Barbizon agency. I went years ago, but realized it’s probably a scam agency, so I never joined them. Anyway I went to the interview.

    It was an office in a building with a bunch of other suites for different offices. There was a sorority girl blonde girl receptionist working the phone. She was really friendly and nice. Though I was told in my email that the attire is “business professional”, and her bright blue 5-6 inch pumps didn’t seem business professional. Though I guess girls have more freedom than boys.

    The receptionist was nice and tried making conversation in between phone calls. She was jokingly shouting at her coworker whose office faced the lobby. I could tell they were close friends, but they’re screaming at each other did make me uncomfortable. Though I’m not one for professionalism. But the girl in the other room screamed “Come get this paper!!! I only have one shoe on” so the receptionist had to put on her pumps that made her grow half a foot to get a paper to give to me to fill out.

    The receptionist also asked if I did anything fun this summer. I went to the beach once. In Belmar, and apparently she went too. She said she “normally doesn’t do Jersey” even though she seemed like she was the epitome of Jersey. I liked her though.

    I got called in to interview with some guy. He was like mid to late 30s. Tall. Kinda chubby. Struck my gaydar, but was wearing a wedding ring. Gay marriage has only been legal in PA for a month, so I doubt he was married to a man.

    The interview was brusque and I knew I didn’t get it. I just have no interest in marketing, and don’t really know how to sell myself. He asked me what was special about me in my working with people skills. I said I get along with people of all backgrounds since all of my best friends from high school were different races. I should have said I get whatever I want from men. That would have been a way less basic answer.

    I walked out of there knowing I wasn’t getting the job, and I didn’t even really want it. I only keep applying to marketing jobs because they actually call back, unlike production which doesn’t seem to be hiring, and whatever else I apply for.

    My friend did go in to the same place to interview a few days after me. They instantly loved her. She wasn’t interviewed by the same guy I was. She said her interviewer was some young bro. He asked her to come back in an hour for her follow up interview.

    When she did tell me that, there was a hint of jealousy. Not because I wanted the job, but I guess just a feeling that you don’t want me but you want my friend?!?! Though it’s not that surprising a white blonde girl would get a job over a flamboyant black gay boy, in an office full of white people. 

    Anyway, they like kept her waiting around all day. Her first interview was at like 10:45am and she told me she finally left around like 5:30pm.  She told me like they drove her to different coffee shops to try to explain things, and hyped the job up like it’s some big marketing job, only to say at the end it’s basically door to door Verizon Fios sales. WTF?!?! I don’t want to sell no damn cable. Well they didn’t even want me, but it seems like another fucked up scam. Like that damn CutCo knife selling my friend and I got roped into our senior year of high school. 

    I didn’t want to buy those damn knives, but had to since I was there with my friend and the lady said I’d have to leave if I didn’t buy the knives and the training thing lasted all day, and my friend drove and she bought the knives, so I wasn’t going to sit in the car. At least I have fancy knives if I ever get my own place. 

    Realizing the job was a scam, was a relief. I don’t give a fuck they didn’t want me, since I definitely didn’t want them. But basically every marketing job I see online and that calls me back is the same Verizon cable selling bullshit. Every marketing place says “We work with Fortune 100-500 companies”. Verizon is our biggest customer. It’s all the same thing, and they’re all selling the same thing. WTF?!?!? It’s at least several different companies with different names and locations, yet they’re all selling the same Verizon Fios cable. I can’t! 

    I don’t know when or how the fuck I’m going to get a job around here. I only have like less than 4 months until student loans are due. I didn’t even look up how much I owe to my Stafford loans yet. FML! I seriously need to win the lottery, miraculously finally get a sugar daddy, or get a real job. Pray for me y’all! 

    Though I do know I’d be way more happy doing porn than most of these shitty job postings I see online. 

    — 4 days ago with 1 note
    #the struggle  #unemployed  #broke  #jobless  #student loans  #debt  #work  #career  #post grad  #college grad  #gay  #gayboyproblems  #fml  #fmygaylife  #ICant  #Jack'd  #Job Interview